The Middle
For Carrie.
Earlier this week Amazon held its Prime Big Deal Days. Not to be confused with Amazon’s annual Prime Day, Prime Big Deal Days are TWO DAYS OF SALES designed to make you feel as though you must buy something you had no idea you needed because it’s $4.59 cheaper than it was the day before and you’d be crazy to pass up an opportunity so rare. So, yes, just like Prime Day, which was held a lifetime ago in June.
During this year’s sale, I purchased several late Gen X/early Millenium-specific items, including a mop and a portable upholstery cleaner, nose hair trimmers, and a highly-rated snail serum designed to clear up fine lines. Then, last night, after opening my packages, slathering literal gastropod slime all over my face, and getting to work on my nose hairs, I had a brief moment where I made eye contact with myself in the mirror and thought, yep, this is who you are now, and also, I’m not sure these nose hair trimmers came with a blade.
I, like most women in their 40s, am planted firmly in what I believe to be The Middle. Characteristics of those belonging to The Middle include, but are not limited to, the following:
General fussiness.
Marginal engagement at any given moment.
Bloating.
Moments of extreme dissatisfaction toward your life’s choices for which you immediately feel guilty given all of your life’s many blessings.
Moments of genuine contentment toward your life’s choices because at least you didn’t turn out like so-and-so.
Lethargy.
A need to be cared for coupled with an even bigger need to be left alone.
Inability to read anything without your glasses.
Incessant worry about the future.
Canceling plans because you don’t want to put on “real clothes.”
Debating whether “real clothes” includes sweatpants.
Confusion.
Internet search histories that include “comfortable, fashionable shoes” and “what was the original TGIF lineup?”
Routine agitation with all humans.
Constantly questioning why you haven’t saved more money.
Repeatedly yelling “what?” to anyone who is asking you anything from two rooms away.
Anxiety.
Regularly forgetting whether you unplugged your curling iron before you left the house.
Maintaining genuine friendships with people who are important to you.
Not giving a shit but still REALLY giving a shit.
Staying in the bathroom for longer than necessary to play on your phone.
Visibly rolling your eyes and/or sighing loudly during work meetings.
Disappointment.
Knee pain.
Purchasing snail serum because some BuzzFeed writer referenced a YikYak influencer 20 years your junior who said it “like, really worked for her.”
If you identify with three or more of these characteristics, let’s make plans to get together for dinner sometime soon but hold out hope that the other person cancels first.
Just two best friends in our 40s wearing sweats, worrying about the future, and wondering whether we unplugged our curling irons before we left the house.