I chose not to have the title track of this blog played at my wedding 15 years ago today because of its opening lyrics: “I may not always love you.”
Such an inappropriate way to begin one of the most beautiful love songs ever written, and especially for a song that goes on to encourage the intended recipient never to doubt the sender’s love in the first place.
My Mom didn’t like it either, and I wondered what people would think about a 26 and 28-year-old traipsing down the aisle to those lyrics at their outdoor wedding like, welp, we may not always love the person we’re marrying, but you should probably still give us a gift anyway.
Fifteen years later, I regret my decision not to traipse foolheartedly down the aisle to this masterpiece because what I believe lyricists Brian Wilson and Tony Asher actually meant was, “I may not always like you.” While yes, the recipient should never doubt the sender’s love, and the sender will make sure to always prove it, there will be some days the sender won’t really like the recipient and the recipient should probably know that up front.
I also believe the concept of always loving but not always liking your partner is something most married couples know quite well.
Speaking from experience, after 15 years of marriage and 21 years of partnership with the same person, although I may not always like my husband, I have always unconditionally and wholeheartedly loved him and often thought that without him, “the world could show nothing to me, so what good would living do me?”
Which is why my best guess is that Wilson and Asher simply ran out of time and space to provide further explanation. They had to incorporate sleigh bells and an accordion into the final production after all, and the song went on to become Paul McCartney’s favorite of all time.
While my husband, Rod, would never admit to not liking me even for a moment throughout our many years together (his superior intelligence is one of the many reasons I chose to build a life with him in the first place), together, I like to think we have learned a thing or two about what makes our marriage work and, even if the following only applies to us, I thought you might like to hear some of these lessons too.
1. Learn how to help your partner process frustration.
A little over a month ago, following yet another long week of life as a woman and a family-friendly work event in 90-degree heat, I found myself about to choose violence as our son peppered Rod and I with questions about our dinner plans and whether or not he could invite a friend over to play once we got home. With sweat dripping down my back and my patience wearing thinner than the knockoff shapewear I wore under my dress, I climbed into our car fully prepared to start the revolution.
Rod, sensing my frustration, quickly turned on the air conditioning, asked our son to stop talking, gently rubbed my arm, and then lovingly suggested Arby’s.
“Doesn’t a roast beef sandwich sound nice?” he said. “How about we pick up Arby’s on the way home, you change into some pajamas, and then we watch a home renovation show while you fall asleep on the couch?”
I’ve literally never felt more seen in my entire life.
Because while it may not always be Arby’s that comforts my frustrated soul, it certainly was that night, and my dear husband knew exactly what to do. Has he always known? No. But has he learned? Absolutely. Just as I’ve grown to learn the same about him. Which is why, after 21 years together, we are the people we go to when we need to be healed. We are each other’s first call, each other’s first confidant, each other’s first responder, each other’s person. We’ve learned how to process one another’s frustrations in order to appreciate the other’s joy, and we know each other’s Arby’s orders, too.
2. Be your partner’s biggest fan.
I have been very fortunate to have had a variety of cheerleaders in my life, but none have ever been as excitable, and certainly not as loud, as my husband.
He is regularly complimentary not only about the life we’ve built together but also about my individual accomplishments and contributions as a woman, a writer, and as the undisputed head of our household.
I too like to think I’m Rod’s most outspoken supporter, often touting his dedication as a loving husband and father in addition to his commitment to being a good person and unmatched on-air personality.
This kind of advocacy is the result of the tremendous respect we also have for one another, which is the central tenant for ANY lasting relationship. It’s earned and it’s given and, above all, it’s never to be taken for granted.
3. Get help if you need it.
It may come as a surprise after reading about all this respect we have for one another to learn that about six years into our marriage, Rod and I almost called it quits. At the time, we were raising a t(hr)eenager who defined us as humans and as husband and wife. We had work, we had Van, but, for the first time in our relationship, we didn’t know each other and we most definitely didn’t know ourselves.
While I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable publicly sharing the complete story about that time in our marriage, I will say those hardships were first quelled through couple’s therapy and a renewed commitment to one another and then through individual counseling and a collective commitment to pursue our own personal passions. For Rod, it was broadcasting. For me, it was writing about things that were (and are) important to me outside of my day job, the result of which is the blog you’re reading right now.
Therapy changed our lives for the better, and I truly cannot express how much it helped us to evolve as a couple and as people. I implore couples who are at the end of their ropes to give it a try even if you’re convinced (like I once was) that it wouldn’t (couldn’t) make a difference. You owe it to your relationship, to yourselves, and to the people who gave you all those gifts at your wedding.
Important Side Note: As the result of the hardships we experienced and the therapy that followed, it is RARE for either Rod or I to ever judge another person’s marriage. Remember, it’s easy to be judgmental before you’ve gone through something hard. Once you find yourself on the other side of awful, readily comparing, commenting, or questioning someone else’s relationship isn’t something you feel the need to do (it’s also super bitchy and wrong, so knock it off).
4. Allow your partner to evolve as an individual without taking personal offense.
Around four years ago, Rod got REALLY into professional wrestling. He started co-hosting a podcast about the WWE, quickly amassed around 130 T-shirts pledging allegiance to various wrestlers and their slogans, and now dedicates around 10 hours each week to watching live wrestling and years-old matches on YouTube.
At the same time, I got REALLY into dogs. We got our first dog (the dearly departed Lil’ Fella), and within a week I was sharing pictures of him on local news channel Facebook threads that asked followers to submit photos of their babies (whether they intended users to share human or animal imagery I still don’t know).
Until then, Rod was never outwardly interested in wrestling just like I was never invested in dogs. And you know what we did? We leaned ALL the way in on one another’s behalf.
I started watching premium live events and Rod started shopping for dog treats. I bought us tickets to attend Smackdown (which was awesome, by the way), and he started worrying about whether our dog was too cold.
Similar to the respect that exists within our marriage now, I credit the appreciation for our evolution as individuals to therapy. Instead of assuming the other was inexplicably changing or pulling away from what we’d always known the other to be, we said, hey, wrestling and dogs aren’t so bad, let’s give them both a try and not take any personal offense.
5. Talk about EVERYTHING.
I have been given three pieces of profound advice in my lifetime that consistently resonate with me, and one of the best came from my mother: “Marry someone you can talk to.”
And, boy, did we ever.
Rod and I talk about the important and unimportant, the news, and our feelings, too. We talk about our favorite songs, our plans for our current and future homes and, most importantly, our retirement. We talk about it all, all of the time.
It’s one of the reasons I think we married each other so many years ago, and one of the primary reasons we still enjoy spending time together now and, hopefully, for always.
Another Important Side Note: In case anyone was wondering, the other two profound pieces of advice that continue to make a difference in my life are as follows: “Never be someone else’s bad memory” (also from my mother) and “Always assume good will” (from my former boss and the smartest person I’ve ever known).
Happy anniversary, Rod. “I may not always like you. But long as there are stars above you. You never need to doubt it. I’ll make you so sure about it. God only knows what I’d be without you.”
Title Track: “God Only Knows,” The Beach Boys. Listen here.
