The world hates working moms. It hates a lot of other people, too, but it especially hates working moms. If you’re a working mom, no matter the number of children you have, the world is going to make it leagues harder than it needs to be. This I know for sure.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic lately as women return to the office and the kids finally go back to school. In a global pandemic, it was working moms who were expected to bring their every day work into their homes while simultaneously raising and, in many cases, schooling their children. Our living rooms and kitchens turned into offices and classrooms. Our days and nights became as long as the extended version of MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit. We had no playbook and neither did our employers nor our children’s educators. We were all winging it and, while yes, it was hard, we also made it work.
Now, 18 months later, we’re still making it work, but in a way that seems a lot more unfair than the pandemic itself. Because what employers and schools should have realized during our physical time apart were the sacrifices working mothers made to make things better not just for them but for the little people who call us Mamas, too. The pandemic clued our employers into our personal lives and the fact that we’re also raising a family. It also simultaneously created a necessary partnership with educators who couldn’t do their jobs without our full investment. It made us human beings and not just employees; allies instead of busy bodies. Or so we thought.
Because alas, the boys upstairs have learned nothing. Instead of creating a more conducive work environment for working mothers, employers released callous “return to work” plans like we ever stopped working at all. And, instead of attempting to design a school day more helpful to a working mother’s schedule, school systems doubled down on earlier start times and longer days that still don’t align with the typical 9 to 5 schedule. It’s like working moms are being asked to “get back into the kitchen” now that the heroes have returned from war. Except now, the kitchen is a drab office space coupled with crucial after school care, and our wouldbe war heros haven’t fought for anything, let alone us.
A dear friend, colleague, and mother recently told me, “Work like you don’t have kids and Mom like you don’t work outside of the house.” No truer words have ever been spoken.
Then again, perhaps it’s our own fault for making things work time and time again, which is why the almighty “man” continues to shit on us and normalize the practice of viewing us as machines instead of human beings.
This proverbial “man” would say, fine, if it’s too hard, just quit! Never mind the education a woman has obtained or the fact that she’s excellent at what she does. Forget the fact that her household relies on her income. She’s the one who decided to raise a family while also choosing to work outside the home. If she can’t hack it, she’s clearly lazy and emotional. If she can’t prioritize, she’s the one who needs to make better choices. Either find the money for a full-time nanny or quit the job “she says” makes it hard for her to be present to her children. That’s her problem. “Women’s troubles.” Obviously.
But why does it need to be a working mother’s problem and her problem alone when women make up over 50% of the American workforce? And why, with more than 70% of these women having children, do employers and schools continue to make it far more difficult than it needs to be for us to do it all?
Although I may not have all the logistical answers (I can’t, after all, be asked to do that too), I do have a few practical solutions that could help a lot of working mothers continue to get shit done.
1. Stop scheduling 8 a.m. meetings.
Not long ago, without notice, a male colleague scheduled recurring, twice weekly 8 a.m. meetings. When I emailed him to ask whether he would consider changing the time, you know, for the six other working moms who were also expected to be at the same meeting, he responded that 8 a.m. was the only time that worked for everyone. This, I know, was bullshit. My schedule is properly blocked from 8 to 9 a.m. daily. I also know that no working mom is just “available” at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday. Do we make alternative arrangements for childcare or wake ourselves and our children up earlier or attempt to call in if we can’t be there in person (even though we know we’re being shamed for it by our male colleagues) so we can be available? Yes. But no working mom is simply biding her time, waiting with breath that is baited, for an 8 a.m. meeting on a regular basis. No one. You know who doesn’t schedule 8 a.m. meetings? Women. 7 a.m. phone calls while we’re still doing our makeup and the kid(s) are already eating breakfast, maybe. But an 8 a.m. in-person meeting? Fuck off.
2. If you’re a manager with direct reports who can work from home, let them. All of them. And not just working moms.
If someone isn’t getting her work done at home then fine, address it with that person, but don’t make everyone suffer because of Sharon’s mistakes. Working from home gives working mothers the freedom to take their child(ren) to and from school without having to make excuses for leaving early or arrangements for before or after school care. It also gives us some peace to actually get our work done without Renee from down the hall stopping by whenever she feels like it to tell us about the thing that just happened with what’s his face. Zoom works. Email works. Yes, face-to-face interactions are important, but not all the time and not every day. Also, for what it’s worth, I am often “Renee” and I know I regularly disrupt my colleagues’ days. At home, I just vent to my dog and he’s fine with it.
3. Educators and school administrators, every once in a while, call the Dad or the secondary contact. Please.
Once, while in a meeting where I didn’t take my phone with me, my son’s school called my cell twice, texted me, called my office line, and then emailed me. All within the span of one hour. You know who the school didn’t call? Van’s Dad: the man listed on Van’s enrollment forms as my husband, Van’s biological father, and the other, consequential person in our small three-person household. Yes, he’s busy at work, but do you know who else is busy at work? ME. If you can’t reach me, instead of resorting to carrier pigeon, perhaps you give him a call first. His number is right there, right below mine, written just before my email address. Oh, and by the way, Van was fine that day. But based on the frequency of communication, I thought he had been executed on the playground - and even then, it still wouldn’t have surprised me if the school didn’t think to notify his father.
With all this said, even if nothing ever changes, even if things go completely back to the good old pre-pandemic days, even if you throw 28 more obstacles our way, working mothers will continue to be present, get it done, and answer the call. We are in fact too legit to quit, so there’s no doubt we will always find a way. But what if we could also make it just a little bit easier so our everyday lives aren’t simply spent making shit work? What if working moms could also, just as effectively, care about our partners, our homes, our mental health, our physical health, our personal relationships, our hobbies, our plans, our appointments, and our time, which, believe it or not, includes more than just our jobs and our children? What if? Just because it’s work doesn’t mean it needs to be dirty. So help a working mother out if you can. We give life, after all, and we can just as easily take it away (even if it’s not your life we created). And don’t you ever forget it.
Title Track: “Dirty Work,” Steely Dan. Listen here.
