Earlier this year I turned 39 years old. Unlike most people, I love getting older. I find a deep sense of gratitude knowing that with each passing year I’m getting smarter; I’m figuring things out; I’m happier; I love myself more. I walk away from a lot more than I ever would have ten years ago, which, from what my mother tells me, is nowhere near as much as what I’ll walk away from when I turn 50, but still a lot more than what I would have died for at 27.
As women, I think our thirties can be a very strange, difficult time. We’re trying to understand who we are and whether or not we belong to any one demographic. We’re also attempting to establish and further both our homes and our careers. We’re no longer cool in the eyes of advertisers or twenty-somethings, but we still sort of think we are. We’re several years removed from college and can no longer fathom the idea of going anywhere past 9 p.m. We still sometimes get carded, but are easily upset when we’re not. We also often silently and oddly question who’s gained weight on Teen Mom 2.
As I leave my thirties behind in just a few short months, I thought it might be worth sharing some things I’ve learned over the last decade; things I know for sure. While I know this list doesn’t (and can’t) encompass everything I know (or the far more valuable things other women I admire know), it does provide some pretty decent advice. Nuggets of wisdom I think all women, regardless of their age, should take to heart, and some of which you may not have heard until now.
1. Try a little tenderness.
Be kind to yourself. You talk to yourself more than you do anyone else. Say nice things. Encourage yourself. Tell the person looking back at you in the mirror that you’re kind, smart, and gosh darn it, people like you.
Then, do the same for others even though sometimes, at least for me, especially when people act like morons, this task can be far more challenging.
2. Keep your kitchen clean.
Happiness and good mental health start with a clean kitchen. Scrub your stove, do the dishes, then conquer the world.
3. Don’t just be a good friend, be a great one.
This sounds so easy, but believe me, it’s not. To be a truly great friend involves a lot more than simply calling yourself one. It involves deep self awareness, extreme empathy, sincere sympathy, and a willingness to stop whatever it is you’re doing to be there when your friend needs you most. It's a sacrifice. It’s listening. It’s also laughter and happiness, fun and games, inside jokes and saying more times than you can count, “I’ve never told anyone else this before.” Most of all though, most importantly, great friendship is the most selfless form of love you can provide. So put your back into this one, ladies. You (and your friend) will be so grateful you did.
4. Surround yourself with people who possess the qualities you want to see more of in yourself.
Whether it’s an adventurous spirit or a calm mind or someone who thinks about what to say before she says it (a quality I’m especially fond of as someone who can’t do it), keep people close who offer traits you value and still have yet to develop. Parts of them will rub off on you and expand your character over time.
5. Learn how to keep a secret.
One of the most important components of being a good person is keeping a secret. I truly cannot express how unbelievably essential this is not just to the person telling you the secret but to you, too. It’s also the easiest way to validate to the Universe that you know how to do the right thing. Unfortunately, because so many people need immediate vocal validation about being “good” they often forget what it really means and promptly tell the last person they texted about the gossip they just heard instead. Remember: it’s not your job as the keeper of the secret to get those secrets off your chest. Rather, it’s up to you to lock that shit up because your friend needs to get her business off of her chest. So become a vault. It’s worth it.
6. Work on your mind just like you do your body. Read. Question. Discuss. Form opinions. Learn. Research. Evaluate.
You should be reading, listening to, and/or watching the news every single day. Find the news sources you value and make consuming them a part of your daily routine. Additionally, if you don’t know something about a given topic, look it up. Discover your opinions and question them, too. Then, talk about it. Ask your friends (in person) what they think and grow in your conversation.
7. Keep air freshener in your bathroom.
You don’t enjoy pooping anywhere other than your own bathroom, right? But you also know that occasionally it still happens. Sometimes, people need to poop in your bathroom and it would be a lot better if they walked out with confidence and the faint scent of lilacs and fresh linen trailing them out the door. Sure, everyone will still know, but at least it’s not because the bathroom smells like poop - more like poop layered with hydrangeas and shea butter (whatever the hell that is).
8. Choose only one (or maybe two) frivolous things to spend money on regularly.
Although you may love your pedicures, handbags, and sunglasses, these multiple obsessions are simply unsustainable in the long term. From experience, it’s unrealistic for a woman’s “thing” to be her shoes, bags, clothes, nails, hair, and accessories. This isn’t Sex and the City, for Christ’s sake. Patricia Fields is not your stylist. For the sake of your family (and your wallet), please, choose just one (ok, maybe two).
With that said, if you don’t do any of these things, perhaps you should. Getting regular massages is delightful. Adding “shoes” as a line item in your budget isn’t unreasonable. If you’re not already, treat yourself, but within reason.
It’s important to note that if your “thing” has anything to do with home renovations or landscaping, it’s no longer your “thing” because it benefits both your family and the property value of your home. In this instance, spend all your family’s money. Get nuts.
9. Have an outlet outside your role as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., and don’t let it be the frivolous “thing” I just mentioned.
Getting your hair done regularly isn’t an outlet. Don’t mistake your time at the salon for playing music or painting a portrait or hosting a podcast or writing a blog or bodybuilding or cooking a gourmet meal. Nails and hair are not an outlet; an expression maybe, but not an outlet (unless it’s your profession in which case you STILL need another outlet). An outlet is more like a vocation that (more often than not) can’t be realized in a financial sense, which is why it isn’t what you do to pay the bills. Also, when we start defining ourselves by the roles we play (e.g., mom, wife, employee) we lose a sense of who we are as individuals and we start getting obsessive about the things that aren’t going right in our lives. Don’t forget what you like to do. So do it and do it often.
10. Stop apologizing for crying when you’re angry.
I get it. You came up with twelve really great comebacks in the shower this morning only to be met with angry tears streaming down your face when the confrontation finally came. Your emotions got the best of you, right? You couldn’t hold back your frustration?
Not to worry, child, those tears are just your body’s way of showing the passion you’re feeling toward the situation. Don’t apologize for your passion. Instead, continue stating your case while ugly crying because fuck them. At least six of those comebacks you thought of earlier were actually pretty good and that son of a birch deserves to hear them.
11. Let yourself change.
Whether it’s your hair or your clothes, your career or even your social circle, if it’s not working for you, it’s perfectly acceptable to switch things up. I’ve personally had to walk away from a few friends in my thirties I was once convinced would be in my life forever. But at some point, for a variety of reasons, they no longer fit with who I was becoming. And that’s… OK.
12. Listen to Otis Redding.
Wherever you are, in whatever mood you’re in, in whatever kind of space you’re in, listen to Otis Redding and you will be just fine.
And, if you don’t remember any of the other advice I’ve offered here, please, please, just remember this: Otis cures all.
Title Track: “Try a Little Tenderness,” Otis Redding. Listen here.
