A very serious point of contention in the workforce was recently brought to my attention: people with children are being given unfair advantages compared to people who don’t, and especially as it relates to COVID.
Really? I wondered. My life kind of sucks right now as a working mom with a prepubescent kid and especially as it relates to COVID. How could non-parents possibly think it’s more advantageous to be a parent at this particular point in time?
One reason, I learned, is compensation. Many companies, most notably tech companies, provided a variety of paid leave to parents throughout the pandemic without offering similar benefits to those without children. Salesforce, for example, provided parents six weeks paid time off while Facebook provided ten. Oh, ok, I thought. That’s not cool. Even as a full-time working mother who both appreciates and understands the sentiment, I can also see how this literal benefit indicates in no uncertain terms that parents’ needs and responsibilities outweigh those of their childless counterparts. It’s flagrant discrimination toward those who either chose not to or were unable to make the same life choices as me.
I also learned that people without children are equally upset that those with children are able to work from home because of school or childcare closures or while they and their households either recuperate from COVID or quarantine as the result of being named a close contact.
Wait, what?
Parents being offered more paid time off than their colleagues without children is one thing. Parents who either must work from home or take vacation time to care for their kid(s) is another. Whereas the first argument involves actual inequality, the second assumes parents are on some sort of mini vacay when schools close or one of our children is identified as a close contact and we’re all forced to stay home.
And it’s this second argument that I simply can’t go for. No, no. No can do.
To begin, nothing, and I mean nothing, is or feels like a vacation with a small child. Nothing. Not a trip to Disney, not a day at the beach, and certainly not working from home.
It’s also worth noting that at least in my place of work, when I’ve had to work from home or take my earned time off for myself or my child, the expectation is that I still get my job done. If that means waking up hours earlier or staying up hours later or working throughout the weekend then so be it. I’ve never asked anyone to shoulder my work and, from experience, neither have my parenting colleagues. Rather, we’ve balanced work and child care and virtual learning and illness and all the other bullshit life throws our way.
For me, working from home is still WORK. Sure I can do it in stretchy pants, but it’s not like I’m kicking back, taking naps, and catching up on my stories. I am at my computer for a minimum of nine hours each day writing, editing, planning, scheduling, being present for meetings, responding to emails and text messages, and swearing to no one in particular just like I do in the office.
What really gets me though is the assumption that working from home entails the bare minimum, which completely undermines what the majority of people were asked to do for the first year of the pandemic. When we were all told to pack up shop and do the same job from home, I remember working longer hours than I ever have before. I also remember getting really good at it because there were fewer people stopping by my office and because I had the freedom to integrate my life into my work. It’s for these reasons, coupled with the stretchy pants of course, that I have advocated for anyone, regardless of parental status, to be allowed to work from home if their job duties allow.
But now that my childless brethren are acting like working from home is some cakewalk for parents with kids whose schools are closed or are sick or quarantining, I think it’s fair to ask non-parents complaining about this alleged “benefit” whether this particular equity they seek also means they’re willing to take on everything else that goes with being a parent, too.
Do you also want the bills that accompany our tiny humans? Like the daycare and afterschool invoices we’re forced to pay regardless of whether or not our child’s in attendance?
How about the constant worry over the life you created that you’re also tasked with keeping alive? Are you interested in carrying around that burden from morning till night until the day you die? From experience, it’s a hoot.
Tell me, is it the guilt that attracts you to this life of leisure? The guilt that screams at you about screen time, extracurricular activities, family time, personal hygiene, chore charts, manners, and the like?
Or perhaps it’s the never ending exhaustion that appeals to you. The physical aches and pains? The wrinkles? The gray hair? The inability to ever, under any circumstances, be able to do whatever the hell you want?
Because if this is the life you want for just a few days of “equality” via remote work I can get you a kid. Hell, I can get you 10 right now.
Would you like a kid who needs constant medical attention? One with an autoimmune disorder? How about one with anxiety? A picky eater, perhaps? One of those kids who asks incessant questions? Or what about a kid with all the symptoms of COVID-19 who continues to test negative and is one of the reasons you’ll need to miss so much in-person work?
Or is it a “normal” child you seek? Because, in all sincerity, they simply do not exist.
If you’ve read all of this and are thinking as a non-parent, “NO! I don’t want ANY of this! I simply want to work from home!” Then please, for the love of Christ, stop comparing your life to that of your parenting colleagues who you somehow irrationally picture living an uncomplicated life working from home with one or more kids.
If you want to work from home then advocate for it. Remind your employer about the concessions you have made throughout this pandemic that have afforded you the trust to work remotely. Tell your employer what you can achieve from home and how you’ve proved as much over the last two years. Let them know that your lifestyle has changed; your outlook has changed; your comfort level has changed. Campaign on your own behalf because no one else is going to do it for you, which is exactly what parents are forced to do to strike our own work/life balance every day.
Because simply stating that so-and-so who has a kid who identified as a close contact now has to work from home for five days so you should too is ridiculous. Your situation is not the same and what’s truly unfair about it is you thinking for a second that it is.
To echo what a parent wrote on an internal Facebook messageboard that was later shared with the New York Times: “Please don’t make me and other parents the outlet for your understandable frustration, exhaustion and anger in response to the hardships you’re experiencing due to COVID-19.”
Title Track: “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do),” Daryl Hall and John Oats. Listen here.
