You Oughta Know

Author’s Note: This blog was initially published June 24, 2022 then subsequently removed because I felt guilty for being so bitchy. It was then readded following the announcement of the results of the 2024 Presidential Election because why the hell not.

For the most part, on most days, women are viewed as fairly happy people. 

Each day we breeze through our repetitive morning routines; accomplish things we don’t care about; take other people’s shit; and smile in the faces of strangers to assure them we’re good people who won’t stab them in the lobby of whatever bullshit thing we’re waiting to go into next. 

We’re composed. We’re helpful. We’re safety personified. 

We’re faking it. 

Because in reality, we’re all just mad, sullen swamp beasts forced to keep it together because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Our job is to keep the peace; to teach the children well; to set an example; to show the world that women can and do rise above; and to make you, whoever the hell you are, feel better about whatever the hell it is that has you down. 

But today, no way. Today, we don’t care about you. Today, you and your problems can go straight to hell. Today, on the day our country lay waste to our biological rights as human beings, we say, without even a hint of smile, fuck you. 

Today we day-drink and we cry and we say and write hurtful things because, who knows, perhaps the government will soon take away our first amendment rights, too. Today, for good reason, women hate everything, and especially the following:

1. Ted Cruz

You may be wondering why this sorry piece of pious shit tops this list, so let me explain. Days before today’s heinous landmark ruling, this fucking guy said the far left would “lose their minds” and commit “organized” acts of “political terrorism,” if the court overturns Roe.

Look, bud, we “radical” leftist women would love nothing more than to rage in the streets about today’s decision to, you know, let states decide the fate of our bodily autonomy (read, take away our rights), but we still have too much shit to do. Shit like going to work and cooking dinner and scheduling appointments and making sure EVERYONE in our homes gets to where they need to be at the right time. Shit you would know NOTHING about as a man growing his hair out to look like the cool dad who’s DTF any newly single mom at your kid’s school and who also continues to pledge allegiance to a moron who accused your dad of assassinating JFK. 

Ted Cruz, you’re a fucking plague; a goddamn laughing stock who even your own party sees as a tool. No one needs your opinions on who you view as the evil left and what we’re “likely” to do as the result of ENDING OUR CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS. So shut the fuck up and take another vacation while the American people suffer. You’re excellent at that. 

Also, for the record, the right to assemble remains a constitutional right, so don’t go assuming that because people may gather in protest means we’re about to get midieval like your folks did on January 6, you fucking twat. 

 2. Money

We have none. Between gas and groceries and all the other random bullshit we need to buy on a daily basis to keep our families fed, clothed, housed, and healthy, women are completely and totally broke. We hate EVERYONE because of it, but mostly government officials, supply chain executives, and the oil tycoons who continue to make bank at our expense.

3. The Heat

We are all fucking hot. And not in the sexy 2019 hot girl summer way, but in the hot, sweaty, abandoned water bottle way that will soon be served to the dog. Everything is sticky. Our hair has no style; our boob, back, and stomach sweat is visible through our clothes; our makeup has melted off by noon; and our husbands are more concerned with the thermostat than they are with our plots to kill them because of it. 

Summer, we love you, but the heat on weekdays when we’re expected to look like actual human beings is detrimental to the peace society so desperately needs us to keep. So try toning it down a degree or two, huh? 

4. Kids

We love our kid(s), we really do, but there is not and will never be another human (or humans) who we will ever even remotely despise just as much. For Christ’s sake, leave me alone already, will you? Or do something I want to do for a change? And cut it out with the sighing. So much sighing! What do you have to sigh about anyway? Sigh when you pay taxes like the rest of us. Until then, go play and let me do my own thing for like five fucking minutes. 

Also, you’re the light of my life. Don’t ever change. 

5. Control (or lack thereof)

For people who are expected to control the household and the kids and the bills and the landscaping and the laundry and the meals, we sure have had a shit ton of control taken away from us today. What if we all just plopped down on the couch for the next week and collectively said, NOPE. What then? My hunch is the earth would literally stop spinning. Outside would be a sea of men walking around like zombies asking where sandwiches come from and at what temperature they should wash a red shirt. 

Look, guys, you can’t have it both ways. You don’t get the benefit of women planning every aspect of your day and preparing for every possible worst case scenario while also telling us what we can and cannot do with our bodies! Absofuckinglutely not! Expecting us to manage household expenses, our kids, and this godforsaken heat is one thing, but simultaneously and LEGALLY telling us to shut the fuck up about our uteruses is entirely another. 

For the foreseeable future, our only answer to anything that is asked of us should be a solid no. And by foreseeable future I mean the next three to five days because at some point ALL THE THINGS are going to need to get done and lord knows a man, a man with no biological restrictions put in place on his body, will not do it in our absence. 

But keep testing us, patriarchy. Go on, do it. The consequences of your actions may not be seen in “leftist rioting,” but it will be noticeable in other aspects of your lives and especially if this heat keeps beating us down as much as you.

Kate MorganComment