No really it is, because it’s Festivus, and it’s time for me to get the led out.
While I typically try to write with a certain degree of diplomacy, on this magical day of Festivus, I allow myself to complain freely about a few things that have bothered me all year long.
If you see yourself in any of this year’s grievances, I’m sorry. I really am. But you also need to know and (according to me) you need to fix it. None of these complaints are specifically geared toward any one person. Instead, these grievances are sweeping generalizations, written in the hopes that the wider world will get their shit together and act right – with the exception of politicians, of course. There’s no hope for them.
1. People’sResponses to the Question, “How Are You?”
Have you ever noticed how often people dismissively respond to the question, “How are you” with either, “Tired” or “Busy?” Every time this happens I want to scream, “Of course you are! You’re breathing!”
I understand you’re tired, I understand you’re busy, but wasting your breath reminding friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers of your hardships with one of these vague responses is neither helpful nor honest. Rather, it’s a stock response designed to incite sympathy. It’s also guaranteed to elicit a strong eyeroll from the receiving party immediately after you walk away.
To give you some perspective, I worked for a priest for many years who, at the time, was the busiest person I’d ever met. From celebrating the sacraments to attending meetings to responding to emails to serving as a chaplain, this man was (and still is) buried from approximately 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. daily.
Now, I work for a woman who, take away the sacraments but add three children all under the age of 10, maintains a similar schedule while doing all the other things wives and mothers and daughters are expected to do.
And you know what I’ve never heard either of them say when someone asks how they are? “Tired” or “Busy.” Neither of them has ever diminished someone else’s schedule by providing one of these one-word flippant responses. They certainly could, but they don’t because they understand doing so would only imply that the lives they lead are better than or more important than the life of the person asking the question. So, if these two incredibly hardworking, harried, amazing leaders don’t get down that way, neither should we. Either address exactly how you’re feeling or say, “I’m doing well” and let the other person go about their own BUSY day.
2. Weak Hugs and Handshakes
I honestly don’t know how people who systematically give weak hugs and handshakes maintain relationships, hold a job, or are actual human beings. When confronted with a weak embrace from either a hand or a body, I automatically question your place in the world, whether you were loved enough as a child, why therapy hasn’t worked, and how you’ve made it this far.
I understand hugs and handshakes are two very different things and that one requires a lot more physical effort than the other. However, they both involve taking the smallest bit of initiative to put all you can into a simple human interaction and demand a bit more than simple indifference.
When it comes to handshakes, unless it’s the germs you’re afraid of – which you need to verbally address – there’s absolutely NO excuse for making someone hold onto your limp fingers. It’s honestly gross and you come across as weak. Put some power into your handshake and hold on like you mean it. Period.
As for hugs, I realize these can be a lot more difficult for some. Still, either make it a point of not hugging at all – which again should involve some sort of verbal cue – or get in there and give it all you got. And stop it with the frail pity pats on the back while you’re at it. These forced extra touches somehow make your already icky, lifeless (yet somehow still rigid) hugs feel even worse. Just give me a damn good hug already and then answer honestly when I ask you how you are.
3. Snapping as a Form of Applause
In recent years, I’ve noticed the resurgence of the snap replacing the clap in both small and large group settings. In meetings and in presentations, I’ve noticed a lot of people, young and old, using the snap to indicate approval. It’s like we’re all in a late-90s coffee house giving props to the angsty spoken word of a 25-year-old encouraging us not to trust “the man.” Truly, I don’t get it. Why, when you can put your hands together in complete approval do you instead choose to snap your fingers in quiet apathy?
It's similar to giving shitty hugs and handshakes. Stop it.
4. Asking Me Where I Get My News
In our current anger-fueled, instant-gratification-driven political climate, lives a sea of uneducated, over-empowered, entitled humans who think they can question a person’s news sources based on two or three “real” articles they’ve stumbled upon that completely align with their views. They are infuriating, irrational creatures who will stop at nothing to prove they’re right and you’re wrong and that it’s the news you’re consuming that makes you so stupid.
I take this grievance rather personally because I myself am not an idiot, and the folks who have asked me this question within the past year should already know that. They should also know I have two degrees in journalism, which should, at the very least, give me the ability to discern what real and fake news actually is.
Solid reporting still exists in 2019 even if you don’t agree with it and even if the leader of the free world (God help us all) tells us what’s being reported isn’t true.
5. Morgan Freeman Memes
Look, we all love Morgan Freeman’s voice, celebrate his movies, and imagine him as our lord and savior. But no way did he say all the shit written alongside him in the images we see on our newsfeeds. He’s an actor. Just because we want to believe he is God does not make him so, and I can’t think for a second he’s truly that profound. With that said, I bet he’s still a pretty good hang and a serious hit at parties.
