I think perhaps one of the hardest parts about getting older – harder than having conversations with your kid’s friends’ moms and not rescheduling a dentist appointment – is ending a friendship with someone you once thought would be in your life forever.
Shortly after my wedding, my maid-of-honor and I broke off a 10-year friendship. We reconciled six long years later and are in a great place now, but when it happened, I mourned – and I mean ugly-cried, took-down-all-of-the-pictures, boxed-up-all-the-mementos, wore-sweatpants-for-days, listened-to-gangster-rap, drank-too-much, ate-too-much, hated-the-world – mourned. I was a mess. And although the pain lessened with each day and each iteration of 2Pac’s Life Goes On, I was completely and wholeheartedly devastated for well over a year after she and I finally called it quits.
This year I went through another breakup with someone I once considered a dear friend and it takes me back 10 years to that breakup with my maid-of-honor. The catalyst for this breakup is far different than the one with my best friend, but it still involves judgment and resentment and a fear that the narrative being told on the other side is one that will make me feel both unbelievably angry and childish for caring I’m being talked about behind my back.
Ending a friendship is much harder than any breakup I’ve ever endured. Because although not romantic in nature, a relationship with a good friend is in many ways far more intimate than one with a significant other. It’s knowing her tells while playing cards and the difference between her resting bitch face and her I really hate this bitch face. It’s seeing her at her best and also at her worst and letting her see you at yours, too. It’s protective and fun and loyal and complicated and catty and honest and it’s forever. Until it’s not.
In this instance, I think we both could have tried harder to overcome the barriers that separated us as we got older and grew further apart. Ultimately though, we didn’t. That happens with age I suppose. Too much time passes, too many memories made without the other in tow. I have friends I can go months and even years without seeing and have no resentment toward whatsoever. Unfortunately, it’s those close friendships, the ones with a lot of history and a lot of baggage, that can’t survive without at least a monthly phone call. There’s a certain level of thoughtfulness that’s required for these friendships, and if one person isn’t all in, all that ugliness that builds up over time destroys all the good that was once there. And here’s the thing… sometimes that’s OK.
What I’ve realized this year is that those really good, forever friendships require a lot of patience. A lot of grace. A lot of saying what needs to be said and a lot of keeping your mouth shut. Most of all, it’s accepting a person for exactly who he or she is and remembering what it is you love about them at their core. The bad can never outweigh the good. Never. And if it does, then it’s time to call it quits.
We as women have a lot going on All. The. Time. We have a lot of work. A lot of laundry. A lot of hair. A lot of meetings. A lot of people who rely on us. A lot of bills to pay and articles to read and shows to watch. We have a lot of stuff. There comes a time when I think it’s OK to allow ourselves to stop paying attention to things and people that take away from the things we should be paying attention to – like our kids and our homes and our goals and our bills and our hair appointments.
And although committing to keeping good, solid friendships intact while cutting the cord with others may not be a very exciting bucket list item, it’s probably one of the most important. “Keep what’s important and know who’s your friend.” A true life’s lesson and one that’s certainly worthy of being on a life’s list of things to do.
Title Track: “Theme From the Bottom,” Phish. Listen here.