One of the loftier items on my bucket list was to quit smoking cigarettes. After 20 years, I finally crossed it off in April of this year.
When I first quit I think the thing I missed the most about it was the reward… I can go smoke after I do the dishes. Just as soon as I get through the Walmart checkout I’ll have a cigarette. After this last meeting I’ll have two smokes on my drive home from work… it was always such a nice thing to look forward to after, well, everything.
Now, seven months in, what I miss the most about smoking is what I loved the most about it when it was a habit: the comradery. Smokers are a dying breed and I don’t mean that in the literal sense. More and more smokers are quitting, which means the few who are left tend to stick together at all times. It’s instant friendship outside bars. A kinship near an open window. A saving grace in a secluded patch of gravel 30 feet from an airport entrance. Oh you’re a smoker? Yes, I’ll listen to your story about the fight you just got into with your sister who I don’t know because I just met you. Go on. Oh you need to bum a smoke? Have 2, man. You never know. Oh you’re also taking a smoke break between courses at this restaurant? Here, take my baby. I’m sure you would give him a good home.
Once at Hollywood Studios, after a long day of park hopping with our then 3-year-old, Rod and I took a quick smoke break and started chatting with a couple strangers. After a few minutes of Disney banter, they gave us three fast passes to Toy Story the Ride. Toy Story was at a two hour wait and we walked right on - all because we stopped to smoke. We never would have met those people had we not been smoking. No way would a smoker approach a non smoker and give her free tickets to Toy Story the friggin Ride. No, those fast passes were reserved for smokers because that’s the code.
I took up “Juuling” when I quit, which was both a godsend and the douchiest thing I’ve ever done. Pluses include no smell, no morning cough, no recurring sinus infections, no “known” side effects, no stains on my teeth or nails, and no more desperately searching for a lighter in my car. Minuses include a continued addiction to nicotine, batteries, clutching what looks like a USB drive at all times, and limited conversations with strangers. Unfortunately, even though I‘m a “vaper” (Christ, I’m so lame) and I’m technically still supposed to stand near the Smokers Outpost, I no longer need to use the Smokers Outpost and the real smokers are giving me the side eye. They now see me as an imposter, another judgmental non smoker who knows nothing of their hardships. But I do, I want to yell! I get it! I’m one of you! Don’t fault me for the light up wand in my hand! Finish telling me about the fight you just got into with your sister I’ve never met. I can take it!
I still have several friends who smoke who have never treated me like an asshole for puffing on what could easily double as a portable charger. I also have a few friends who have switched to Juuls, too. We’ve all known each other for a lifetime, so there’s not a lot of judging, which is a relief as we all try to tackle our vices. But it still doesn’t help the longing I feel to share random, nonjudgmental moments with strangers. It’s all awkward elevator niceties and weather-related chit-chat from here on out. Gone are the days of ridiculous, sometimes fun, sometimes enlightening conversations with complete strangers over a shared addiction. Sadly, the only shared addiction between nonsmoking strangers is the constant urge to check our phones.
I miss other things about smoking, but I don’t miss the horrible side effects or the desperate looks of worry from my son. I started smoking when I was 16 and quit when I was pregnant. Only two other times outside those 9 months did I even attempt to quit (once for 4 days and then later for 10), which is why 7 months feels like a pretty big deal to me and why it also feels like I’ve given up a lot more than just cigarettes. It’s not all about kicking a bad habit, it’s about starting a new lifestyle, which can sometimes feel like an identity crisis that in my case gives an awful lot of credence to bonding with strangers.
I ultimately quit because it was the right time for me, and I’ll quit the Juul when it feels right too. This I believe will happen sooner rather than later since I’m starting to develop a serious complex about sucking on what appears to be a remote starter. It’s dumb, I know, but it helps, and after quitting something I literally added to my bucket list because the thought alone seemed so fanciful I questioned whether I’d ever cross it off, I’d say I’m allowed.
I’ll always remember my conversations with smokers fondly and I hope to someday have more with or without my Juul. Although my love affair with cigarettes has come to an end, my affection for smokers has not. I may no longer share in the same journey, but I’m a good listener and I can talk shit about your sister as much or as little as you like, so try and let me into the inner circle around the Smokers Outpost every once in awhile, okay?
Title Track: “Goodbye Stranger,” Supertramp. Listen here.